THE POLITICS OF SELFISH INTEREST
For the good of the Masses, Behold your servant leader. (Politics and Connecting People)
My Campaign Promises
“Vote for me, because I am the most
reliable and mouthed candidate, my track record surpasses the Usain Bolt’s
record-breaking fit and I’m still blazing, even to me it’s amazing. My well
fitted designer suit and my investments, home and abroad are testimonies to the
passion of love well suited for you in times like this. Can’t you just see? (As
if love is written on the forehead). Oh if I begin to count what I plan to execute
when I become president, you will cry in awe and may have to find your way to
the exit door for the overwhelming joy that could only be contained by visiting
a rest room. (Really?) Yes, seriously. If I were lying, you would have known
because blood would have been gushing out from my mouth. I promise to build a bridge
across the Atlantic to the Sahara without increase in taxes. (Wow!) You ain’t
seen anything yet. We will tap from the Sun in order to transfer lights to your
living rooms so you wouldn’t have to pay for gas. Yes, I mean it and if you may
want to ask how that’s going to be possible, hmmmmn, we may have to connect a
straw pipe to the heavens just like during the ice age. God knows I mean well,
He knows I really mean business. (So you’ve been planning all along together
with him at conferences?) Don’t worry about that. The stress of the campaign
from Abuja to Lagos to Portharcourt, Ibadan and Kano is responsible for my
inconsistent bath. For the last three days I haven’t taken my bath and that’s
because I am madly and wickedly in love with you people. You are all my
heartbeat.”
Election Victory
“Thanks so much for voting for me. On
behalf of my family, I say a big thank you (sheds tears)….Now my life will
never be the same again, I have struggled hard all my life to get here, where I
wouldn’t have to pay for what I eat and my official cars are custom-made with
the latest technology. Imagine the security men and the secret service running
beside me just to protect me and my family. Oh Amazing Grace!” (Sings).
“You may now return to your homes. I
have ordered law enforcement agents to ensure that all roads leading to the presidential
palace are well guarded from a distance of 2 kilometers for the sake of our
common security, being a key component on my agenda as a president. I have set
up committees of sub-committees and super-sub committees to brainstorm,
legstorm and mouthstorm on boosting our GDP. As you all know, GDP makes us
politically and economically deep, and it represents our “DP” or profile
picture in the global whatsapp and world economic facebook page.”
After 3 and a half years
“You people complain a lot, My oh My!
You are such an impossible people. I’m I a magician? I promised to give health
care, yes! of course, we were about to fulfill that part of our campaign pledge
until we discovered that more and more people were getting sick, probably the
consequence of poor eating habit. We really need to work on our eating habit as
a nation.”
“As regards to issues of electricity
and agriculture, we’ve been to China for various energy summit which I, even I,
in my capacity as the President of the Federal Republic attended. It was
awesome. I have met with many world leaders including those in the G7. Putin is
a nice man and he was optimistic about fostering long lasting economic ties
with us. He is such a bold man, you need to listen to him when he speaks. If I
never became president, I wouldn’t have had that opportunity of a life time.
Obama’s assuring commitment on America’s interest in a diversified Nigerian
economy is with a sexy zeal.”
“I travelled these few years to more
than 156 countries, meeting with stakeholders, key holders and shareholders and
it’s amazing the responses we got. In fact at this juncture, I have good news
and I want to emphatically state that by next year, our country will be hosting
world leaders to an International conference on Tourism, Space technology and nuclear
management. Heads of States and Governments from countries like Pakistan,
Afghanistan, Somalia, and Gabon will also be attending. Efforts are on to
extend our large hands, generous hands to North Korea, Iran and to Island
nations such as Seychelles and Haiti. I’m looking forward to that and I think
we should all be happy as a nation.
Do I really have to blow my trumpets
before you hear the sounds of a working government? It is the feathers of the
hen that makes us oblivious to the fact that it is sweating. I mean seriously,
the pains and agony of our struggles at getting to sign numerous bi-lateral and
multi-lateral agreements has depleted our fleet of Presidential jets. If there
were countries in the moon, where conferences are being held, as long as it is
intended to make the lives of the masses better, we will always embark on such
journeys no matter what it costs. It’s been hectic and I just don’t know why
people can’t be grateful at least for once.
I have directed that all local
farmers must be on twitter to get the latest trending news to boost their
input, yet I heard some people are complaining of poor harvest. Why won’t there
be poor harvest when they refused to go with modern trend? My 16 year old
daughter is on twitter, Instagram, facebook, youtube where she connects with
friends who wish her well whenever she posts new pictures. She’s growing to
become a beautiful woman by the day; men keep off (laughs).
Let me state the list of the projects
executed by this administration which has received commendation from Architects
and Engineers internationally. I don’t usually like to brag about such
achievements although I and my wife relish about those things in our bedroom. It’s
just the two of us (laughs as if gasping for breath). First is the 1 billion
dollar eagle-shaped glass stadium which was the front page news headline of
Washignton Post and The Economist. It has been tagged: “THE STADIUM OF
PARADISE”, due to its aesthetics and splendor. We really appreciate our
International Creditors such as World Bank, IMF, and Paris Club for their
support in making the project successful. We’ll find a means to pay, surely we
will though maybe not in my life time.
That’s not all, we have bought more
mattresses to cater for the growing number of patients in our hospitals, while
we dole out condoms of different qualities to singles in order to prevent the
spread of HIV/AIDS. The distribution was done in a carnival-like form where we
dedicated the items to the glory of God and to the service of men. Pastors were
invited to pray, entertainers also lighted up the occasion with cultural dance
troops shaking the shakeables (buttocks) to the delight of all. That is just on
health and I must confess, it costs the government a fortune, it always does.
This administration has invested in
youth empowerment and education that we do not have to be scored based on what
they call poor examination performance. Now in our villages, children can speak
English that will make the legs of their parents ache. We have transformed that
sector and that to me is not a piece of cake. With a population of over 170
million, about 80 youths were sponsored abroad to be trained as Pilots,
Economists and Marketers. About 20 of these are currently with NASA to be
trained as Astronauts who will launch the country to hitherto uncharted
galaxies in the nearest future. This is unprecedented and it shows that this
administration has foresight.
We are saddened, however, that the
rate of crime has increased and that some people in their thousands have taken
to the streets in all the states calling for my resignation. Kidnappings, begging,
prostitution and sex slavery I was told, has also become prevalent. I think
those ones are the result of laziness on the part of many of the citizenry. I
know my enemies are also plotting against me. I hereby welcome them to the
political wrestlemania of which I will always be the last man standing.”
At the End
The Lion may claim to be the king of
the jungle, but when the jungle is on fire, the Lion will be on the run….Can
the Lion be greater than the jungle? What a dance of shame! The strength of the
masses is in their voting power. That is where they get to talk and bundle out
regimes that have become disconnected from the people who installed them.
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